


I just want back in your head

by tinyarmedtrex



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Aged Up, Amnesia, Angst, Broken Bones, M/M, Reddie, car crash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2019-10-20 02:15:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17613539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyarmedtrex/pseuds/tinyarmedtrex
Summary: Eddie and Richie have been dancing around each other for years, neither  willing to take the next step. It takes Richie getting engaged for Eddie to finally admit his feelings. But once they do something happens that neither could have predicted and it’s sure to change everything.





	1. Chapter 1

 

“It’s your last chance, Eddie. He’s getting married.” 

Eddie raised his chin, looking Bev square in the eye. “I already lost my chance. He’s engaged.” 

She shook her head, a little sadly, like she was disappointed in him. “If you believe that you’re not the Eddie I thought you were.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He hissed, glancing around to make sure that no one was listening. They were at Richie’s engagement party. He had proposed to his girlfriend Claire last week and the losers had moved quickly to make this party happen, wanting to celebrate the happy couple.  But instead Eddie was curled in a corner with Bev, aiming to drink until the knot in his chest disappeared. It would have worked better if Bev wasn’t there, insisting that he talk to Richie. 

She smacked her lips. “The Eddie Kaspbrak I know and love is a fiery little fuck who wouldn’t sit back and let this happen. He wouldn’t let the love of his life slip through his fingers.”

Eddie let his eyes drop, staring at his empty glass of whiskey. “Well that Eddie stopped existing when Richie proposed to someone else.” 

“Because he thinks you’re not interested!” Bev hissed at him. It was a familiar conversation, one they’d had dozens of times over the years. Bev trying to convince Eddie to tell Richie his feelings and Eddie refusing. He wasn’t willing to risk their relationship, plus it seemed like one of them was always in or just recently out of a relationship. The timing never felt right. 

And now Richie had Claire.  Even though they’d only been together a year they seemed happy. Even now, they were on the dance floor and he was spinning her, both laughing as he caught her in his arms. Eddie’s stomach clenched just watching them. 

He thought back to the history he had with Richie. All the almost kisses- and a few actual ones. Those had happened rarely, when they were drunk or emotions were at a high. It was a nearly annual event, one or both of them would pull the other into a spare room, kissing them until one of them came to their senses. Once or twice it had gone beyond that, to hasty hand jobs that left Eddie feeling elated and somehow sad. They never talked about it, never changed how they acted towards the other. Eddie never let himself think about it and he never told anyone else about it. He feared that this was all they would ever have and tried to force himself to be content with it. 

Especially now, since Richie was engaged. No date was set but it was going to happen. The ring on Claire’s finger was proof enough of that. 

“He knows how I feel Bev, he just doesn't feel the same.” Eddie told her quietly. 

She practically growled at him in frustration, throwing up her hands before slamming them on the table. “Fools. You’re both fucking fools.” She glanced at her empty bottle. “I need another drink. Try to be less of a pining idiot when I get back.”

“No promises.” Eddie said as she stood. 

Once she was gone Richie made his way over, falling onto Eddie in the booth. “What’d you do to Red? She looks pissed.” Richie was slightly sweaty, his clothes clinging to him. Eddie forced himself to look away.

“Told her that I’d be best man and not her.” Eddie lied, playing with his glass.

Richie laughed. “Can’t get married without you up there Eds, everyone knows that.” 

Eddie bit back a snarky response, that he was supposed to be in a different spot when Richie was at the altar. Instead he forced himself to smile and point to Claire, who was showing off her ring to some guests. “Shouldn’t you be with your lady?”

Richie shrugged. “She’s fine. Come on Eds, dance with me. Claire hates when I spin her.” Richie said, standing and offering his hand.

“So do I,” Eddie muttered but accepted the hand, letting Richie tug him onto the dance floor and pull him close. It wasn’t a slow song but Richie acted like it was, his hands winding on Eddie’s waist, holding him close. 

“How drunk are you?” Eddie asked, staring up into Richie’s bright green eyes. His coke bottle glasses had been replaced years ago by hipster ray bans that gave him a aura of seriousness that nothing else appearance or mannerisms portrayed. He was still the jokester of their group, always cracking inappropriate jokes and pulling pranks. Eddie acted like he hated it but really, the group needed his humor and the laughs he brought. He was a crucial piece to the puzzle that was the losers.

Richie’s hair was getting long and Eddie let himself finger the curls as Richie dragged him along the dance floor, talking excitedly about random things the whole time. All Eddie had to do was laugh and nod as Richie told him stories. He loved watching Richie like this, happy and full of life. It pulled on his heart strings so much that he felt himself close to tears, knowing that this was ending. They’d still be friends but with marriage came new responsibilities. Richie would be someone’s husband, possibly a father one day, he’d had less time to spend with his single friends. 

“What’s wrong?” Richie asked, noticing the slight frown that had appeared on Eddie’s face. Because of course he noticed, he always did. 

Eddie shook his head, forcing himself to smile. “Nothing ‘Chee, I’m just happy for you.” 

Richie grinned again. “Me too Eds.” He glanced at Claire. “But you know this doesn’t change things between us. Nothing could come between us.” It was like he could read Eddie’s mind, something that always alarmed Eddie and made him worry about just how much Richie knew. 

His heart was caught in his throat. Moments like this, he was sure that he and Richie were more than just friends, that there was something there. He would have bet his life savings on it. But then he remembered where they were, what they were celebrating and pushed those feelings down, simply nodding to Richie’s statement. 

“Speeches!” Bill called, tapping a glass. “Speech time!” 

Richie grinned again, pulling Eddie up to the front. “Eddie, give the first speech.” Bill said, shoving a microphone into his hands. Eddie tried to push it off, to give it to Bill or Bev but Richie was looking at him so expectantly that he had to try. He glanced at the couple, Claire had grabbed Richie’s hand and both were beaming at him.

“I’ve known Richie for a long time.” Eddie started, trying not to stammer. He hated giving speeches, hated being in front of crowds. “Decades. We met in first grade when he tried to push me on the swing but ended up just pushing me off.” Some people laughed. “He took me to the nurse’s office and tried to convince her to let him put the band aids on himself- luckily she didn’t let him. He hasn’t left my side since, even when I wished he would.” More laughs. “I’m lucky that he didn’t. He’s gotten me through some terrible times- and gotten me into other terrible ones. But I love him. He’d give any of his friends the shirt off his back. He might crack some bad jokes but, underneath all those ‘your mom’ jokes lies a heart of gold.” 

Eddie made the mistake of looking at Richie. He was staring at Eddie, eyes completely focused on him and Eddie’s next words died on his lips. He couldn’t talk about how happy he was for Richie and Claire. Couldn’t wish them happiness and joy. He just couldn’t. 

“I’m sorry- I’m- I’ll be back.” He said, shoving the microphone into someone else’s hands as he hurried off the stage. He didn’t let himself look back to see everyone’s reactions. He knew that his friends would all have matching looks of pity and that Richie would probably be confused. 

Going outside he sucked in a deep breath, feeling slightly better now that he was alone. He went to his car, getting in and driving home. He knew he’d have to answer for that outburst later but for now he just wanted to be home. 

As he drove tears streamed down his face. He didn’t even realize it until he reached up to touch them. He let them flow, why not. No one was here to see. He let himself think about what he was losing, what he could have done to stop it, if only he wasn’t so scared. Bev may have thought he was fiery but that was with other things, like his job or cell phone bill. Not with things like this. When it came to Richie he was terrified. 

Unlocking the door to his his small apartment his cat Cupcake immediately jumped on his lap, demanding attention. Eddie pet her for a while, letting himself spiral. “What am I doing?” He asked the tabby. “What the fuck am I going to do?” The cat didn’t have any answers, or if she did she wasn’t sharing. 

He was still talking to her when there was a knock on his door. 

“Go away.” He called, sure it was Bev coming to check on him. 

“Eds?” He heard a different voice ask. “Are you okay?’ 

It was Richie. Of course it was Richie. He’d left his own party to check on Eddie. “I’m fine ‘Chee.” He hoped that it wasn’t obvious he’d been crying. “Go back and enjoy your party.”

Of course, Richie ignored him, knocking again. “I promised the others I’d check on you. Please Eds.” 

“I’m fine.”He lied. Richie didn’t respond but Eddie knew he was still there. Sighing he stood, opening the door to his friend, who easily slipped into his apartment. He hated how worried Richie looked, his eyes scanning Eddie to cry and figure out what was wrong. 

“You’re not fine, you’re crying. What’s wrong? And don’t lie and say they’re happy tears. There’s too much snot for that.” 

Eddie tried to laugh but it ended with him crying again. Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie, letting him cry into Richie’s shirt for several minutes. 

“What’s wrong?” Richie asked again once the crying subsided. His voice was so soft and full of love that Eddie had to pause to stop a new wave of tears. 

“Nothing.” Eddie couldn’t think of a convincing lie. Not right now. “Just go back Richie. Please.” 

The taller man shook his head. “I can’t leave my Eddie Spaghetti alone. What kind of friend would I be?” Richie swept some of Eddie’s hair out of his face, his hand settling on Eddie’s cheek. Eddie leaned into the touch, he couldn’t help it. He could never help himself when it came to Richie. “Tell me Eds.” 

Eddie shook his head, still trying to think of a lie. Richie stood there, waiting. It was rare for Richie to be quiet and Eddie knew that it meant that he was serious. He’d stand there until Eddie told him something.

“Go back in, go to your fiance.” He tried once more, his tone desperate. “Please Richie, just forget about me. I’ll be fine.” 

Another head shake. “I could never forget about you.” 

Eddie started crying again, tears rolling down his cheeks. Idly he wondered how he could still be crying, he had to run out of tears eventually, right? 

“You have to ‘Chee. You’re getting married. You have to.” 

“I’m getting married Eds, not moving to Peru.” Richie said, confused. “You’ll still be in my life. Nothing has to change.” 

Eddie shook his head. “No, not like I am now. Everything will change.”

“Why? Eds, it doesn’t have to, you’re still my-”

“Because I’m in love with you!” Eddie screamed, unable to stop himself. It was loud and shocked both of them. He repeated it, quieter. “I’m in love with you, head over heels, madly in love with you and I can’t imagine watching you live the rest of your life with someone else. So please, just go and leave me alone.” 

He expected Richie to leave or at least say something about how he didn’t feel the same. Instead Richie leaned in, kissing Eddie soundly, his free arm wrapping around his waist to pull Eddie close. 

Eddie kissed him back, his hands going to Richie’s hair as they deepened the kiss. If this was his last kiss with Richie he was going to enjoy it. Tongues explored mouths and they didn’t hold anything back. It left Eddie breathless. 

Finally, Eddie forced himself to break the kiss, taking a large step back so he didn’t give in to his emotions again. “Was that a goodbye kiss?” He asked, playing with his shirt cuff. 

“God no.” Richie closed the distance, taking Eddie’s hands. “It’s you Eds. It’s always been you.” 

Eddie was sure he had misheard. “What about Claire?” 

“I love Claire but she’s not you Eds. No one else can measure up to you.” Richie paused, gathering his thoughts. Eddie thought his heart was going to break free of his chest, it was beating so hard. “I thought you’d never love me back. We’d kiss and never talk about it, over and over. So I tried to move on. I thought that was what you wanted.”

Eddie shook his head, crying again for a wholly different reason. “I never wanted that. I thought that was what you wanted.”

Richie smiled. “We’re real dumbasses.” Eddie nodded as Richie kissed him again, softer this time, barely a brush of the lips. 

“What about Claire?” Eddie couldn’t stop himself from asking. 

“I’ll break up with her tomorrow. She’ll be hurt but,” He gave Eddie a small smile. “I think she’s always suspected.” 

“Why tomorrow?” Eddie asked, bringing his own arms around Richie and pulling him close. He let himself sink into Richie, finally believing that this was real. 

“I was hoping you’d let me stay the night. Maybe we could make up for lost time.” Richie’s voice had gotten low, almost gravelly. It struck a cord with Eddie and he felt himself react, arching into Richie. 

He looked up at Richie through his lashes. “I’d like that.” He  said, barely getting the words out before Richie kissed him again. This time was fiercer, with a burning energy behind it and Eddie was lost in it. Slowly, Richie pushed him against the wall, grinding into Eddie and trapping him in his arms. Eddie didn’t try to break away, he let Richie guide the kiss, thrilled that this was happening and that both would remember it tomorrow. 

Richie’s lips moved to his neck, placing soft kisses down the column of his throat and his Adam’s apple. He was going slow, taking his time. It was different from their other make out sessions, those had always been rushed, trying to get as much in as they could before they were caught.  

“Richie,” He whined as Richie sucked a bruise into his neck. He’d never marked Eddie before, it felt like his way of saying that Eddie was his. 

Richie growled, the noise reverberating against Eddie’s skin.“Just keep saying my name like that Eds, we won’t even make it to the bedroom.” 

As Richie kissed him Eddie kept reminding himself that this was real, it was happening. It was just them, with nothing to stop them. 

Except. 

“Richie,” He said again, trying to get his attention.

“Like that baby,” Richie replied, not stopping his actions.

“No, Richie,” Eddie took Richie’s face in his hands, pulling him back up. It took all of his self effort not to kiss him again but he forced himself to stay focused. “This doesn’t feel right. You’re still engaged.” He didn’t want to say it but after all they’d gone through he wanted their first time to be perfect, with no strings attached. They deserved that much. 

Something in Richie deflated, even as he nodded in agreement. “You’re right. I- it’s not fair to her is it?”

“Or you.” Eddie knew that Richie was a good person, he’d hate himself in the morning if they did this. He grabbed one of Richie’s hands and ran his thumb over it. “Go talk to her and then come back. We’ll pick up where we left off.” He said, smiling coyly.

“You minx.” Richie said, lifting Eddie’s hand to kiss his knuckles. Eddie giggled, taken aback by the warmth of the gesture.

“We’ve got all the time in the world.” Eddie told him as they walked back to the front door. Richie nodded, bending down to kiss him again, his hand finding Eddie’s hair and running through it. For the second time that night, Eddie was left breathless. He nearly pulled Richie back as he stepped away, second guessing his sudden burst of morals. But he knew this was the right choice. He didn’t want to regret anything else with Richie. 

“I’ll be back before you know it.” Richie promised and Eddie nodded, giving him a small wave goodbye.

Once Richie left Eddie decided to do this the right way. He put on some slow, romantic music and lit every candle he could find. Then he stripped down to his black briefs, laying on the bed while he waited.

He must have fallen asleep because suddenly he was jerked awake by his phone ringing. Glancing at his clock he saw it was 6am and he was alone. Dread filled his stomach- had Richie changed his mind? Had he dreamed it all? 

His phone kept ringing and finally he picked it up. “Not a great time Bev,” He said, standing and pulling on clothes. He didn’t have any messages from Richie. As he tried to work through his emotions he registered that Bev was crying, too hard for her to answer him. 

He began to panic. “Are you okay? Is Ben? Bev, what happened?” 

Nothing could have prepared him for what she said next.

“It’s Richie.” She choked out. “He- he got in a car accident. He’s in the hospital. Eddie, it’s- it’s bad. You need to come right away.” 

Eddie dropped his phone before he heard anything else, trying not to pass out from the shock. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She gave him a slow look and then looked up the name. “Friend or family?” She asked, still not looking at him.
> 
> “Both.”
> 
> She sucked her teeth and looked squarely at him. “We can only let family see him right now sir.”
> 
> Eddie clenched his jaw. “I am family.”
> 
> “Listen, I’m sure you care about him deeply but-” He felt his face grow hot as he interrupted her, practically shaking with anger.
> 
> “No, you listen.” Eddie drew himself up to his full height and glared at her. “I need to see him and I’m not letting some pencil pushing-”

Eddie rushed to the hospital, breaking several traffic laws as he did. He was vaguely aware of the irony of this when Richie was there due to a car accident but he didn’t care. He needed to get there. He needed to see that Richie was still breathing. He tried to ask Bev more questions but she had just told him to come to the hospital. He’d never heard her sound so broken.

He bolted into the hospital and immediately ran to the reception desk, where a bored looking woman was examining her nails. She barely glanced at him as he panted, “Richie Tozier. Richard Tozier. What room is he in?”

She gave him a slow look and then looked up the name. “Friend or family?” She asked, still not looking at him.

“Both.”

She sucked her teeth and looked squarely at him. “We can only let family see him right now sir.”

Eddie clenched his jaw. “I am family.”

“Listen, I’m sure you care about him deeply but-” He felt his face grow hot as he interrupted her, practically shaking with anger.

“No, you listen.” Eddie drew himself up to his full height and glared at her. “I need to see him and I’m not letting some pencil pushing-”

“Eddie!” He turned and saw Claire barreling towards him. As soon as she was within reach, she threw her arms around Eddie, hugging him tightly. It was clear that she had been crying, her eyes were red and he felt his shirt grow damp as she clung to him.

It terrified Eddie. What did it mean for Richie? Was it even worse than he imagined? A picture of Richie on a slab appeared in his head, his skin tinged blue and his eyes closed. Because of Eddie. Because he made him leave last night. Eddie had thought he was doing the right thing, telling Richie to leave but now- he had made one wrong decision after another. He had been the reason Richie cheated and now he was the reason he was in the hospital bed. Guilt and fear curled in him, the two intertwined, feeding off each other and growing inside him.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to banish the image. He moved back, trying to find some words. “Claire, _please_ what happened? Is Richie okay? Is he-” He couldn’t finish that sentence. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted to ask.

She pulled back taking his hand and not quite meeting his eyes. “Come with me. I’ll fill you in.” The pair started walking and she explained. “He got in a car accident last night. I don’t know where he was! He left the party in such a rush and then they found him on highway 96?” Guilt curled in his stomach. A memory of their kiss, of Richie pushing him against the wall and the heat between them flashed in his mind.  He knew exactly where Richie had been. “He hit a semi. His car was totalled. The doctors say they’re lucky that the paramedics got to him when they did.” She paused, taking a shaky breath. His heart went out to her as he wondered how many times she’d had to tell that story today.

She continued, her voice thick as she tried to talk through the tears. “When they finally got him out he was unconscious. Broken arm, leg and several ribs.” She paused in front of a door. “He still hasn’t woken up.” He knew there was more, something else she wasn’t saying but he went through the door.

Richie was laying in the hospital bed. Except, it wasn’t the Richie he knew. This Richie was pale and hooked up to machines. His right leg was raised and his arm was in a sling. His face was practically unrecognizable because of all the small cuts and scrapes. One of his eyes was swollen shut.

“Oh, no. No, no, _Richie_.” Eddie was crying and Claire pulled him into another hug. They both cried together for a few minutes, the only other sound was the occasional beep of the monitor.

He finally forced himself to pull back and wipe his tears. “What else Claire?” He needed to know.

Her bottom lip trembled as she spoke. “I don’t know. Neither do the doctors. We don’t know-” she glanced at Richie and lowered her voice. “We don’t know if he’ll wake up. Or what he’ll remember when he does.” She looked so broken in that moment that Eddie knew he should comfort her, say it would all be okay but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything but stare at Richie.

The news made all of this seem real for Eddie. Until now it felt like a dream but now, in Richie’s room with him laying there so damn still and Claire crying, it was all too real. He sat in the chair that was next to Richie’s bed, watching him breath for a few minutes.

This was his fault. He told Richie to go home. It was his fault.

He couldn’t breath. What if Richie never woke up? What if he was a vegetable for the rest of his life? Eddie’s breaths were coming in shallow pants. What if this was it and he never got to hear Richie’s laugh again? Never heard another ‘your mom’ joke?

“Eddie.” Claire said quietly, putting a hand on his shoulder, breaking him out of his spiral without even realizing it. “I haven’t called his parents yet. I need to go.” She paused. “Bev and the others are around here, they left to get coffee but should be back soon.”

He forced himself to take one deep breath. Then another. Finally he said, “You can go, I’ll stay with him.”

“Thanks.”

She slipped out of the room, leaving him alone with Richie. He couldn’t look at Richie’s face, it was too mangled. Instead he focused on his hand, the one not in a cast. It only had a few small cuts. He held it, instantly alarmed at how cold it was. Eddie was the one with cold hands, Richie would always grab them, holding them within his own to warm them up. The memory made more tears fall.

“Richie.”  He started, intending to apologize or say something. But it was all he got out before the tears choked back any other words. He put his head down on Richie’s blanket and cried. All of this was his fault, he should have let Richie stay with him. He couldn’t stop thinking that he may have finally got Richie only to lose him in a far worse way.

Eventually his friends came into the room, slipping a lukewarm coffee into his hand and hugging him. He didn’t move from his spot, listening to them speculate what Richie had even been doing driving that late at night. He knew he’d have to tell them eventually but he couldn’t, not yet. It was admitting that all this was his fault. He didn’t want those looks from him, pity or anger.

Claire came back, saying that the Toziers were on their way. Everyone tried to find a spot to sit but it was impossible, the room wasn’t big enough for all of Richie’s supporters. Some ended up on the floor. The room was weirdly quiet, everyone thinking the same thing but no one wanting to talk about it.

A nurse came in and eyed them critically. “I’ll be back here in an hour and I need at least half of you to be gone.” She told them sternly. “I’ll be changing his bedding, you don’t all need to be here for that.” She checked some readings from the machines then left.

“You all can go.” Claire offered, turning to them. “I’ll call you if anything changes.”

Bill and Audra exchanged a glance then nodded, both standing to hug her. “If we can do anything-” Audra started and Claire nodded, her eyes welling up again.

Bev and Ben left next, having a similar conversation. That left Stan, Mike and Eddie with Claire and Richie.

“The hospital called you then?” Mike asked, trying to make some sort of conversation.

Claire nodded, looking at Richie’s sleeping form. “We’re each other’s emergency contacts. I got the call last night but I only have Bev’s number.” She looked at Richie again. “We just got engaged.” Her voice broke. “How could this happen?” Mike pulled her into a tight hug, letting her cry on his shoulder.

Engaged. Eddie suddenly remembered that she didn’t know about Richie and him. She didn’t know that one of Richie’s last acts may have been to cheat on her. The pit in his stomach grew. He watched Mike comfort her, jealous that she got to be the grieving girlfriend. Eddie was going through the same thing but he couldn’t say it, he couldn’t talk about any of that.

As he thought this he hated himself. Now wasn’t the time to compete for grieving widow. Especially when Richie wasn’t dead. He’d wake up. Eddie looked at him again, at the rise and fall of his chest. He had to.  
“Eddie,” Stan’s hand was on his shoulder. “Let’s get them some food.”

Wordlessly Eddie stood, following Stan outside of the room. “How could this have happened?” Eddie asked, his voice harsh from lack of use.

“I was wondering the same thing.” Stan turned to Eddie. “The crash didn’t happen near the party. But it did happen close to your house.” Eddie flinched from Stan’s direct gaze. He was never one to pull punches. Richie was Stan’s best friend, of course he had already thought through everything.  “Do you know where Richie was?”

Eddie couldn’t have lied if he wanted to. Not to Stan. And he didn’t want to. He wanted to tell someone. “Richie was at my place last night.”

Stan arched an eyebrow. Not judgmentally, just curious. “Oh?”

Eddie nodded, explaining quickly what happened and why Richie left. When he finished Stan pulled him into a rare hug. “Fuck.” Stan said quietly.

“Yea.”

“You two really do have the worst timing.” Stan said. Eddie laughed. It already felt like it’d been years since he last had.

“You’re telling me.”

Stan released Eddie and looked at him, eyes scanning his face. “Richie will pull through this. He’s too stupid to die.”  Eddie gave a small chuckle. “And he knows he has you waiting. He’ll come back Eddie.”

Eddie wanted to be comforted by Stan’s words but he couldn’t be. Not when the image of a mangled Richie was burned in his mind.

“Claire doesn’t know.” Eddie said uselessly. “She’s doing all this stuff for Richie, making all these calls and she doesn’t know.”

Stan turned and started walking again. “You can tell her, when the time is right. Not now though Eddie. It would make you feel better but it wouldn’t help things.”

He nodded, falling in line next to Stan. Stan was right, Eddie wanted to tell her to clear his conscious, not because it would help things. He’d have to deal with his guilt for a while longer.

They bought an array of snacks and went back to the room, trying to talk about other things.

As they opened the door Eddie heard an amazing sound. Richie’s laughter. He and Stan exchanged a glance and then barreled into the room. Richie was sitting up in the bed, a nurse checking his vitals while he cracked jokes.

“Richie!” Stan ran to him, grabbing Richie’s hand excitedly. It was a testament to how worried he was that he let his emotions show.

“Staniel!” Richie said, leaning into him as much as he could. “Sorry, you don’t get to sell all my shit yet.”

Stan pulled back, his eyes wet, and shook his head. “You ass.” But he was smiling. He went to Mike, hugging his boyfriend tightly and letting Eddie approach.

“And Eds! I must have been in bad shape.” Richie turned to him with a grin and Eddie went over, not daring to believe his eyes. Richie still looked like shit but he was awake, he was alive.

Eddie pulled him into a hug, tight enough that Richie wheezed. “I was only gone a few hours Eds, I’m okay.”

“I know.” Eddie released him, looking into Richie’s eye. “I just- I was worried.”

Behind him Claire laughed. “We all were babe.” Eddie moved back, seeing her hand on Richie’s shoulder. He swallowed the jealousy as he took a step back, not missing how Stan’s eyes watched the interaction.

“Well I’m back, no more tears.” Richie said, smiling at her. She smiled back, bending down to kiss him gently. Eddie’s heart clenched but he was too happy to see Richie awake to care too much.

Mike left to call the others while Richie was wheeled off for several tests. The others were back before he was. As they all talked, laughing that only Richie could wake up and immediately crack jokes a doctor came in, asking for Claire to come with him. “We have the preliminary results.” She said, “If you’d like to come with me.”

Claire shook her head, gesturing to everyone. “I’ll just have to repeat it to them, can you tell all of us?”

She hesitated. “Are you sure? It’s- it may not be easy to hear.” Claire nodded firmly and the doctor flipped open a page. “Besides the broken bones and bruising there seems to be something else wrong. Mr. Tozier has amnesia. He can’t remember much from the past week or so and we’re worried that he’s lost other memories as well. The memories may be connected to a certain person or event, that’s usually how it works. It’s likely he’ll still remember facts and some memories but everything else may be lost. The older the memory the more likely it is that he’s retained it.” She said it all quickly, almost like if it was said fast it would hurt less.

The doctor paused. “Should I continue?” Eddie glanced at Claire. She looked shocked, her hand was covering her mouth and her eyes were wide. Bev and Audra were on either side of her, holding her up.

Eddie didn’t know how to feel. It seemed like a terrible prank, something Richie would have pulled in high school, convincing them he forgot about them, about who he was. But this was real, it wasn’t a joke. This was happening. Richie may have forgotten them. He may have forgotten _him_.

No. Eddie thought firmly. He remembers you. He used your nickname. And Stan’s name. It can’t be that bad.

No one else was speaking, everyone else seemed to be in shock too.

“Will he, will he get them back?” Mike asked when no one else spoke.

“Probably. Most people get nearly all of their memories back but it takes time. The important thing is to not treat him any differently but also not to push him. Trying to force him to remember things could backfire. It needs to come back naturally.”

The room nodded. “Does anyone have any questions?”

“How will we know what he’s forgotten?” Ben asked.

The doctor paused. “It may be hard to tell. He may try to cover up that he doesn’t remember. Give him time, let his brain do the work. It sounds like all of you are very close so it’s likely that he’ll remember all of you, at least a little.” She paused. “I know this is hard but I can tell he has an amazing support network. I think he can make it through this. Give him time.”

The doctor gave Claire some pamphlets on amnesia and the options they had. She barely looked at them. She looked dazed, like she was going to collapse. Eddie couldn’t blame her. He knew if he wasn’t sitting down he could have. What memories had Richie lost? What if he never got them back? What if some fundamental part of Richie was gone? Some of what made Richie Richie? Eddie choked back a sob, refusing to let himself think like that. The doctor made it sound like it would be okay. He had to believe that.

“What if he doesn’t remember me?” Claire was asking, crying into Audra’s shoulder.

“He will,” Audra replied, patting her back. “How could he not?”

“All of you have been around for so much longer.” She cried, “I’m new. He’ll have forgotten me.” A selfish thought rose up in Eddie, that she may be right. The doctor had said that older memories should be intact. Eddie was Richie’s oldest friend, after Stan, he should be remembered. He had to be.

Everyone was trying to comfort Claire but what was there to say? None of them knew how bad it was.

Richie was wheeled back in the room then. He looked around, seeing the crying Claire and how miserable everyone else looked. “I see the good news has been shared.” He said. “Well, at least now I have a reason for forgetting my keys everywhere.” It wasn’t a good joke but he was trying. Claire rushed to him, grabbing his shoulders and sobbing onto his shoulder. “Babe,” He said, wrapping his good arm around her. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”

“Do you remember me?” She asked, tears still streaming.

He pulled her back, looking into her eyes. “How could I forget you? You’re Claire Everwood, my fiance, light of my life, reason I wake up in the morning. We’re getting married.”

This brought fresh sobs as she started crying again, now from relief. He hugged her then kissed her lightly.

Eddie watched all this with disbelief. His stomach twisted painfully, seeing how Richie looked at her. It seemed like he really loved her, this wasn’t a lie or cover up. It was like- Eddie shook his head. Richie had to say all that now. He couldn’t break up with her in front of everyone.  Claire had excused herself to call his parents and hers, updating them on the news.

Slowly, the group went up to Richie, talking to him. He seemed to remember their names but soon it was clear that that was all he remembered. Everyone’s faces fell and Eddie watched Stan brought up a concert they attended. Richie shook his head sadly. Bill asked him about an art project they did. Another head shake.

“I’m sorry you guys.” Richie said to them, to his oldest friends. “It’s just, fuck. I remember your names and your faces.” He turned in his wheelchair to Mike. “You grew up on a farm?” Mike nodded. “I remember that. And-” He turned to Bev. “We used to smoke together?” She nodded. But then Richie frowned as he look at Ben. “I know we’re friends. I know we’re close. But I can’t remember.” The frustration was evident, he was trying so hard but he was looking at them like they were strangers.

Bev reached out for him, a hand on his shoulder. She was clearly trying not to cry. “You will. You remember Claire. You’ll remember us Richie.” Eddie knew how hard it had to be for her to say that. She waited until Richie nodded. “We’re here for you Richie. You just woke up, give it time.” Everyone else nodded, trying to put a brave face on.

“We’ll visit you tomorrow, get some rest.” Stan said. It was clearly time for them to leave and the others filtered out of the room but Eddie couldn’t. He had to talk to Richie.

“I remember you Eds, don’t worry.” He said, then frowned. “Kinda.”

Eddie’s heart broke but he barreled on, determined to ask his question. “Do you-” He swallowed. “What do you remember from last night?” He had hoped that maybe because it was so recent Richie would remember, he seemed to remember Claire. Maybe he’d remember this.

Richie frowned and Eddie could almost see the wheels turning then Richie finally said, “Not much. The doctors said I was at my engagement party. Why? Did I miss a great speech? Was someone really sloshed?”

Eddie shook his head, not able to speak. He felt chilled, like all the heat had left his body. Richie had forgotten last night. He’d forgotten Eddie.

“Something like that.” He muttered.

Richie cocked his head, like he knew Eddie was lying, but didn’t ask. They regarded each other, both not saying what they were thinking. “I should go, give you and Claire some time.” He mumbled, walking past Richie.

As he did Richie grabbed his hand, looking up at him. “I’ll get my memories back Eds, don’t worry.”

Eddie nodded and Richie let him go. He reached the door but turned back around. “Do you remember New Years 2015?” He and Richie had kissed at midnight, one of their first kisses that ended with them making out in a closet, hands furiously roaming over the other until they heard Ben calling for them.

Richie bit his lip, thinking, but then shook his head.

“Halloween 2017?” Another kiss, Richie had been dressed as Goldmember from Austin Powers and Eddie had left the party with gold body paint all over him.

Another head shake.

“The cabin trip we took?”

Richie had capsized a kayak they were in and the two had ended up at a small beach, both soaking wet, and had made out for hours, until they were rescued.  That was the time Eddie thought things would change between them, really change, but like all the others they were back to being friends as soon as they were back at the cabin.

“No, sorry.”

Eddie tried one more. “Ben’s birthday party?” They’d all gone out to dinner and Richie had stared at Eddie all night, leading to them making out in the coat room while everyone else had cake.

“No.” Richie was looking at Eddie, his expression pained. “It’s like, I know I’m close with all of you. I know I love all of you. I just can’t remember the specifics” He paused and Eddie could tell that he was debating about adding more. Eddie waited. “Honestly Eds, I don’t have a lot of memories with you after high school. I know we’re close friends. I know you’re a veterinarian. I know you have a cat named Cupcake that hates me for no reason. I know you hate being called Eds but I do it anyway.” Richie offered him a small smile. “But I don’t remember you.”

With those words Eddie’s heart shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes yes you’re all geniuses who figured it out :P Or a lot of you did (like the title and mood board didn't give it away). And please consider this closer to soap opera amnesia than real life amnesia (aka it’s plot convenient and maybe not medically accurate). 
> 
> Now, let's really get this angst going.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who gave you those beauties?” Richie asked, stretching out his hand and touching the hickeys that decorated his neck. “Someone really went to town on your neck.” Richie paused, frowning. “You’re single right? Or did I forget about some lucky fella?”
> 
> For the umpeenth time that day Eddie choked back a sob. You! He wanted to scream. They’re from you! From the night we finally admitted everything and then lost it all!
> 
> But Eddie knew he couldn’t say that. Richie was grinning at him, a teasing expression on his face. “Well Eds? Who do you know with vacuum lips?”
> 
> Eddie forced himself to glance away from Richie’s expectant expression. “You’re right, I’m single. It was just- some guy. At a bar.” The words felt like ash on his tongue.

After leaving the hospital Eddie didn’t remember driving home or changing clothes. He didn’t remember sitting on his couch or pulling out the photo album. He was too numb to focus or think through his actions. It felt like someone else was doing everything, deciding his actions and move. 

The only choice he was sure he made was to pour himself some scotch before starting to flip through the photos. His memories, things that Richie didn’t have anymore. Cupcake, his slightly overweight tabby, curled up next to him, probably hoping for a treat. 

“This is from track and field day.” He told her, pointing to a photo of him and Richie as kids,both scruffy, with dirt on their knees. “I wasn’t supposed to participate because of my asthma but Richie convinced the teachers to let me. We almost won the three legged race until the idiot tripped over his feet.” 

He paused, wiping off the tears that had fallen onto the photo. 

“This one,” He pointed to another one where they were slightly older. Both of them were covered in white paint but still looked happy, Richie’s arm slung over Eddie and Eddie leaning into him. “Went took after we got in a paint fight. Then he made us scrub the paint off the walls. It took hours, I was pissed afterwards.” Maggie had insisted on taking the photo, even though Went was furious. By the end of it Eddie had vowed he was never talking to Richie again. He’d called the other boy the next day. Even then Eddie had known he couldn’t stay away from Richie, there was some invisible string, always pulling him back to Richie. 

He flipped on, looking at all the photos of them, alone or with the other losers, as he finished his drink and poured another. Thick tears fell on the album, covering their large smiles and dopey grins.  He didn’t know why he was doing this to himself, maybe to prove that all of it was real, that it had happened, even if Richie didn’t remember them anymore. 

Eventually Cupcake left, meowing his annoyance that Eddie wasn’t paying attention to him. Eddie finished his fourth drink and curled up on his couch, the album tucked under his arm. It felt like a security blanket, the only thing that he had left of his best friend. 

As he started at his dark apartment everything felt surreal, the accident and the aftermath. The only thing that felt real was his guilt. It was his fault, all of this. He had told Richie to leave and now he had lost him, possibly for good. Eddie let himself mourn that loss, not just the potential of their romantic relationship but of his best friend. The person he had a million inside jokes with, the person that always came over when he was having a bad day, bringing ice cream and drinks. Eddie had never thought about what his life would be without Richie and now he was being forced to live through it. Richie’s body may still be there but what was he without his memories, without knowing all the little things that made Richie Richie. 

Eddie fell asleep with all those thoughts swirling in him. He had nightmares of the others finding out, of all of them hating him for what he had done. 

He woke up the next day to someone knocking on his door. For a second he thought it was Richie but then he remembered the impossibility of that. Sitting up he rubbed his eyes, feeling how damp they were. His crying hadn’t stopped when he’d fallen asleep. He waited, hoping the person would leave, but the knocking continued, persistent.

“Okay, hold on.” He walked over and opened the door to Stan. “What?” 

“Love you too Eddie.” Stan walked into his apartment, looking like the exact opposite of him. Stan was in his work clothes, probably stopping by before he went to the office. Eddie was in sweatpants, looking sad and disheveled. “We need to talk.”

He went to his kitchen, starting a pot of coffee. “Do we?” He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He wanted to go back to sleep and wake up when everything was better. 

Stan watched him for a minute before saying, “Richie wants to go ahead with the wedding.” 

Eddie was lucky that he wasn’t holding anything breakable because it would have shattered. The shock of the words jolted him. He spun on his heel, gaping at Stan. “Why? No, is he even out of the hospital?” 

“He’s being released today.” Eddie hated how calm Stan looked, standing there and watching Eddie like he was a caged animal. “He said this is a gift and that he doesn’t want to waste it and that there’s no time like the present. And some other bullshit.” Stan shrugged and Eddie’s world crumbled even more. 

He fell to the ground, his head in his hands. “I can’t do this Stan.” He muttered, “I can’t.” He knew, somewhere, that it was an overreaction but he couldn’t stop. He’d already lost Richie as a friend, he couldn’t plan the wedding of the man he loved to someone else. He wasn’t strong enough. 

Eddie heard Stan move then felt an arm over him. He leaned into his friend as more tears started to flow. “I can’t.” Eddie repeated. 

Stan didn’t reply, he just sat next to Eddie and letting him cry until he was ready to speak again.

“How am I supposed to pretend that everything is the same? How can I be his best man when he’s not supposed to marry her?” Eddie asked, looking up at Stan.

“You’ll do it because you’re his best friend and because we have to. We have to be there for him now. Eddie, he lost everything. He’s trying to get something back.” 

Eddie felt a sob rising in his throat. “I can’t, Stan, I can’t do that. It’ll-” He was going to say that it would tear him apart, it would wrench him from the inside out and leave him a barren shell. 

Stan shook his head, speaking firmly but lovingly. “This sucks for all of us Eddie. Do you think it’s easy to see my oldest friend not remember who I am? Because it’s not. You don’t have a monopoly on suffering.” Eddie didn’t reply, feeling childish for his reaction. He had forgotten that his friends were hurting too, that everyone was. 

“Stan-” He started but the man shook his head. Eddie watched him take several deep breaths before continuing. 

“It fucking hurts Eddie. Don't you think I know that? Don’t you think I’m pissed too? Pissed that this happened, that Richie was such a dumbass. I want to be mad at you, I want this to be your fault.” Eddie flinched as if hit but Stan was shaking his head. “But it’s not, it’s no one’s fault. Besides, you don’t need me to be mad at you, you’re mad enough at yourself I’m sure.” Stan took a shuddering breath and continued, rubbing his eyes. “I hate this too Eddie. So does Mike and Bev, Ben, Bill. All of us. We need each other right now. You can’t abandon us. The only way we can get through this is together.” He finally looked at Eddie, eyes silently pleading for Eddie to agree. 

Eddie stared back. He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay curled in his blankets and drink until it stopped hurting. But Stan’s blue gray eyes were begging him to be there for him, for his friends, and Eddie knew he couldn’t refuse. Stan was right, they needed each other now.  “I won’t.” He promise, his voice small. 

“Good.” Stan leaned in, hugging Eddie. “We have to stick together.” 

“Richie’s gone.” Eddie mumbled, forcing himself to say it outloud. “He forgot us. I never thought-” Eddie couldn’t continue, it hurt too much to say. 

Stan’s head was over his and Eddie knew he was crying too. “I know, me too.” 

They held each other, crying until there were no more tears. 

\---------

The next day Eddie looked up at Richie and Claire’s apartment, shaking his head. “I can’t do this.” He glanced at Stan and Mike. “Don’t make me do this.” They had picked him up at his apartment. Eddie knew it was because they didn’t trust him to come on his own. They were right, he had been trying to find an excuse to skip this all morning. “I can’t.” He whispered, knowing that inside was his broken friend and his fiancee. 

“You can, we can.” Stan slipped a hand in Eddie’s. 

“We’re here.” Mike added, clapping his shoulder. Mike had come over last night, bringing a bottle of whisky and pizza. Eddie had told him what happened, though he suspected the other man already knew. The three of them had spent the night sharing their favorite memories of Richie, all of it in the past tense. Eddie hated how much it felt like they were mourning him even though he was still alive but he also needed it, needed to share the grief and fear with other people. They’d stayed until he had fallen asleep and he’d woken up with water and advil next to him. They’d gotten him through the first day and Eddie was grateful. 

Now, it was like they were holding him up, his two friends on either side of him, silently promising to be there for him. Eddie was surprised how much more bearable the pain was when it was spread amongst them, instead of just being contained in him. 

They waited until Eddie nodded then pressed the doorbell. Within seconds Claire opened the door, smiling at them. “Richie is so excited to see all of you! Come in, come in.” She ushered them inside. “He’s in the living room, you’ll see him.” 

They went to the room where Richie was sprawled out on the couch, a wheelchair next to him. He still looked awful, limbs bound in casts, his face a patchwork of colors. But, in true Richie fashion, he was grinning at them. “Hello boys.” He drawled, putting on an awful southern accent. “I’d offer you a seat but I can’t really move.” 

“We’re fine.” Stan said, accepting a dining room chair from Claire. The three of them formed a semi circle around Richie, Eddie sitting the closest. No one spoke. Eddie saw that Stan was gripping Mike’s hand, looking like he was trying not to cry. Richie seemed to notice and he puffed up, putting on a show for them. 

“Well, you already know why I gathered you here. Despite all this,” Richie gestured at himself. “I want to keep wedding planning. I’m fuzzy on some details, though Claire informed me that that’s because I didn’t pay attention in the first place.” Richie smiled at her, perched on the couch arm, her hand curled on his shoulder. Eddie swallowed a sob. 

“But that’s fine. All I really need is a suit and my friends.” Richie smiled at them. “I can’t fit into my suit yet, doesn't fit over these beauties.” He rapped lightly on his cast. “So I may be relying on you guys for more things.”

“We’re here for you Richie.” Mike replied, smiling back. Eddie didn’t know how he could act like everything was normal. They were here, in Richie’s house, even though Richie didn’t remember them. His best friends, planning a wedding that he knew nothing about. The universe had a sick sense of humor, Eddie decided. 

“Thanks buddy.” Richie pointed at a book. “So that’s our wedding bible, Claire put green tabs on my sections, I’ve been told it’s my favorite color.” Richie smiled and Eddie’s stomach twisted. Richie loved green, in high school he painted his bedroom a hideously bright green. It hurt to look at and Richie had loved it. “I thought we could start there?” 

The men nodded, starting to discuss things. It was clear that Richie and Claire had talked about some if it, he seemed to remember the facts -the date, the venue. But they had to remind him about everything they’d discussed, like how Clair had vetoed a mariachi band or how she wouldn’t let him wear the garter belt. Everyone acted like it was normal for Richie not to remember how he proposed or who was throwing the bachelor party but the lapses were obvious. When it happened everyone would grow quiet for a minute, all of them thinking the same thing- Was this permanent? Would he ever remember? 

After an hour of discussion, Claire stood, “I’ll get lunch. Is pizza okay with everyone?” 

“Mike doesn't like pepperoni. He got sick in college and vomited it up for days.” Richie replied, almost offhandedly. Everyone turned to look at him and Eddie saw tears spring to Claire’s eyes.

“Baby, did you remember that?” She asked, clapping her hands over her mouth. 

Richie thought and then nodded. “I did. I remember the smell, it was awful. And how pale Mike looked.” He smiled at them, laughing. “Fuck, I remember it.” 

“Oh baby!” Claire leaned in, giving Richie a careful hug. “That’s fantastic!” She looked at them. “He’s been starting to remember things, just a little. He remembers our first date and our first-” She stopped, bright spots appearing on her cheeks.

“Our first time.” Richie finished. “On an air mattress in her parent's cabin.” He said proudly. 

“Figures that the first things Richie remembers is sex and vomit.” Stan said but even he was smiling. The mood in the room brightened, just a little. 

Richie laughed and shrugged. “I guess those are the strongest memories.” 

Claire gave his shoulder a squeeze and stood. “I’ll get that pizza ordered. I have some snacks I can put out too.” 

“We’ll help.” Mike offered as he and Stan stood, leaving Eddie and Richie alone. 

They looked at each other and Eddie didn’t know what to say. Everything that came to mind he wasn’t allowed to voice.

I miss you.

Come back.  _ Please.  _

I love you. 

Eddie closed his eyes, biting back tears. 

Richie voice broke through his pain, like it had so many times before. “Don’t worry Eds, doctors said my good looks wouldn’t be affected.” 

He opened his eyes, blinking back tears. “You didn’t have any to start with.” 

Richie laughed, throwing his head back in a belly laugh. “Eds gets off a good one!” For a second, things were normal. Richie was smiling at him and Eddie offered him a shaky one in return. He could do this, Eddie thought, he could get through this until Richie got his memories back. This was still his friend, the person he loved more than anyone else. He could stay with him through this. 

Richie’s next words proved how wrong he was. “Who gave you those beauties?” Richie asked, stretching out his hand and touching the hickeys that decorated his neck. “Someone really went to town on your neck.” Richie paused, frowning. “You’re single right? Or did I forget about some lucky fella?”

For the umpeenth time that day Eddie choked back a sob.  _ You! _ He wanted to scream.  _ They’re from you! From the night we finally admitted everything and then lost it all! _

But Eddie knew he couldn’t say that. Richie was grinning at him, a teasing expression on his face. “Well Eds? Who do you know with vacuum lips?”

Eddie forced himself to glance away from Richie’s expectant expression. “You’re right, I’m single. It was just- some guy. At a bar.” The words felt like ash on his tongue. 

“Wait,” He heard confusion in Richie’s voice and looked up, seeing his furrowed brows. “Don’t you have a germ thing? Something-  _ shit _ .” Richie signed, annoyed at himself. He rubbed his forehead with his good hand. “This keeps happening. Something is right there,” He held a hand an inch in front of his face. “It’s like I can almost grasp it but then it disappears.” For the first time that day Eddie saw the real Richie, how he was really feeling. His voice lost his happy, teasing tone. He sounded bitter and broken. “It’s like all my memories are hiding behind a veil, I can see the shape but not the actual thing. It fucking sucks. I’m so frustrated I want to scream.” 

Eddie reached out, taking Richie’s hand. “It’s only been a day ‘Chee. You’ve got to give it time. You’re already remembering stuff.”

Instead of comforting him the words seemed to do the opposite. Richie’s mouth twisted into a frown. “I don’t even remember that nickname. You’ve probably been calling me that for years and it feels like it’s the first time I’ve heard it. It’s pretty fucking cute. Does Claire call me that too?”

Eddie had to pause before he replied. “No, only me.” 

Their eyes met, both bright with tears. Eddie wanted to comfort him, to tell Richie that it would be okay, that he’d get his memories back, but he knew that Richie wouldn’t want fake comfort. He squeezed Richie’s hand. “You don’t have to remember everything right away. We’re here for you, until you remember. And if you don’t, we’ll still be here.” It was the best he could do, the most honesty he could offer. 

Richie nodded, looking down at their hands. “I have some good friends don’t I?” 

“Yea, you’re pretty fucking lucky.” Eddie said, drawing a laugh from Richie. 

“Guess I’ll have to believe you there.” They were quiet, Eddie could hear Claire laughing at something Mike said. He realized his hand was still on Richie’s and pulled it back, folding it in his lap. He could feel Richie’s eyes on him and he looked at his friend, wishing that his heart rate didn’t speed up as he did. Even though, logically, he knew that Richie didn’t remember anything some part of him was screaming that he did, that Richie felt the same invisible pull as him.

“I’m glad you’re here Eds, you make me feel better.” Richie offered him that stupid lopsided grin that Eddie had fallen in love with. “Even though there’s a lot I don’t remember right now I’m grateful you’re here to remind me.” 

He drew a shaky breath, nodding. “I’ll always be here to remind you Richie. Always.” It was a promise to himself as much as to Richie. No matter how much it hurt Eddie couldn’t abandon his friends. He could promise himself that much. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back! For those of you who asked how long this would be I have 6 chaps outlined (I use that word lightly but ya know) so I'd assume 6 or 7 total.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were silent, Richie was clearly waiting for him to speak but Eddie didn’t have anything that he could say.
> 
> “Any changes since last time?” Richie finally asked, craning his neck to look at the living room.
> 
> Oh, since you came over and we made out and confessed our feelings? Well I got new soap.

“Eds, love, you’ve got to get up.” Eddie felt a hand on his shoulder, trying to gently wake him up. “Come on, we’re meeting Ben and Bev, remember?”

Eddie opened his eyes to see Richie bending down in front of him. He stretched and the other man smiled. “Already?” He asked, trying to rub the last of his nap from his eyes. 

Richie laid down next to him, nodding. “Yea sleepy head.” He moved Eddie’s laptop. “You fell asleep researching again.”

Eddie nodded. He’d been trying to look up… something. He wasn’t sure what. It didn’t matter. Stretching out he he brushed Richie’s hair back. “It’s getting long again.” He commented, carding his fingers though his boyfriend’s locks. 

Richie caught his hand as he pulled back, kissing the inside of his wrist. “I thought you liked it long. Gives you something to grip when we fuck.” He grinned and Eddie tried to swat him but missed as Richie rose, moving so he was straddling Eddie’s hip. “ _ Oh baby, love your hair, love tugging on it when you go down on me _ .” Richie said in a sing song voice that was apparently supposed to be his. 

“Shut up! That’s the last time I’m ever complimenting you.” Eddie said, pretending to be upset until Richie leaned down, kissing him. The kiss quickly deepened and soon Richie’s lips left his and moved to his shoulder, then down his arm, leaving kisses and - licking him?

Eddie woke up with a start and saw that Cupcake was licking him with her sandpaper tongue, probably trying to get him to feed her. He groaned, sitting up and seeing that part of his dream had been true- he had fallen asleep while researching. Several tabs about retrograde amnesia were open on his screen- he was past the ‘what caused it’ section and on to the ‘how to help someone who’s suffering from it’. Most of them said the same thing, it was all about time. Give the person time to remember. Don’t force them. They may never be the same. 

Well fuck that, it had been nearly two months since Richie’s accident. He was out of the wheel chair and got his leg cast off yesterday. He’d been remembering things here and there- he seemed to remember nearly everything with Bill and Mike. Less with Bev, Stan and Ben. And with Eddie he still apologetically described it was a ‘gaping hole’. Eddie knew that he wasn’t supposed to push but he was starting to feel desperate. When Richie wasn’t in therapy or counseling he was wedding planning. He’d only recently been cleared to go back to work but even there he was looking up china sets or adding things to the registry. The wedding was in a month and Eddie could feel Richie slipping from his fingers. 

Sometimes he thought that Richie remembered something. There had been once or twice that he was sure of it, sure that there was some flicker of a memory resurfacing. The first time had been when Richie started calling him Eddie Spaghetti again, not the nickname itself but how he said it, pulling Eddie close and suddenly squeezing his cheeks. As he did it Eddie swore he saw Richie’s face shift- it lit up then he looked confused- but just as quickly as it happened it was over and his hands fell from Eddie’s face. 

The second time was much worse. Eddie had been reviewing the music list with Richie and Claire and saw Africa by Toto on there. It had been their song since they were kids, Eddie had so many memories of the two of them singing it offbeat as they biked to the Barrens or jumped on Richie’s bed. His expression must have shifted because Claire said something like, ‘oh that song, it’s terrible but Richie insisted on it’. Richie’s eyes had found Eddie’s and he’d mumbled something about needing it on there, though he wasn’t sure why. Eddie’s stomach had twisted and he’d had to excuse himself, going to the bathroom and taking several ragged breaths. Eddie had left soon after, it was too much. All of it was too much.

He pressed his palms against his eyes, willing himself not to cry. He had spent too much time crying, too much time balled up under a blanket and thinking about what he’d lost. Every time he saw Richie he thought he’d be fine, that he could do this, but then Eddie would make a joke that Richie didn’t remember and he’d come home and cry again. He’d forced himself to stop self medicating with alcohol after the first month, knowing that at some point he wouldn’t be able to stop. He couldn’t let this ruin him. Instead he’d thrown himself into working out, knowing that it was a better option than eating pints of ice cream on his couch.

It seemed like a great idea until yesterday when Richie had grabbed his bicep and whistled, commenting how Eddie would make some guy really happy. Then, suddenly, that was ruined too. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do bicep curls without thinking of Richie. He didn’t know what he’d do now. It hurt like hell to be around Richie but it was almost worse when he wasn’t. There was a hole in his chest no matter what he did. 

The others tried to help, Mike and Stan invited him over and checked up on him. They’d convinced him to tell the others so they came over too, all of them inviting Eddie to dinner or happy hour, calling him on weekends. He appreciated it but they could only do so much and Eddie couldn’t take being surrounded by happy couples all the time. It was another reminder of what he didn’t have, what he couldn’t have. He tried not to avoid his friends but it was all too much. There was a festering pit in his stomach and it never seemed to go away. It was there to remind him of what he’d almost had but lost and what he may never have again. It pulsed angrily whenever Claire kissed Richie, then told him that Richie was never his to lose, not really. It was his new constant companion, a stomach ache that never went away.

Today, he knew that the pit would grow. He was going to the tailors with Richie, just the two of them, something Eddie had been desperately trying to avoid. It was easier when Stan or Bill was there, someone else to lessen the tension that Richie wasn’t even aware of. Being alone with him was too much. But Richie had insisted that he wanted just his Eddie there, no one else. 

Forcing himself out of bed Eddie showered then drove to the tailors, preparing himself as best he could for what was sure to be a long day. Richie had picked out his suit pre-accident and Claire had insisted that it be tailored for his long, lanky body. 

“Eds! Hey!” Richie said as he walked in, immediately spotting him. “Ready to see how ol’ sex on a stick Tozier looks in his fancy suit?” He leaned in but didn’t touch Eddie, that was something that had changed since the accident. He didn’t throw an arm around Eddie anymore, didn’t touch casually touch him. 

“You’ll still be a beanpole.” Eddie replied, trying to put a teasing tone in his reply. In actuality, Richie looked good in most clothes, even if he usually dressed like he had wandered blindfolded into a thrift store. Eddie wasn’t sure how he was going to handle Richie in something that was made for him. The universe clearly hated him.

“But a sexy beanpole.” Richie grinned. “Claire is excited to see me in something besides a hawaiian shirt.” 

“All of us are.” Eddie replied, trying to stay in the conversation, to not let the pit grow over the casual mention of Claire and to resist the urge to move closer. 

“Mr. Tozier, we’re ready for you,” A clerk appeared, directing them to a changing room.

“Alright Eds, I’ll be right back. Try not to jump me when I walk out.” Richie said, flashing him another grin. Eddie smiled what was hopefully a believable smile and fell into a nearby chair. Under five minutes in and he was already wishing that he was back home where it was safe and Richie free. 

A few minutes later Richie poked his head out of the dressing room. “Eds ol’ chap, I need some help.” 

Eddie rubbed his face. “If this is your bit about your zipper being stuck down-”

Richie shook his head. “Nope, though that’s a classic. Come in here.”

Eddie stood and walked into the small changing room with Richie. He was, thankfully, fully dressed. He was in a navy blue suit, his long legs and lean torso accentuated by the cut and his purple shirt added a splash of color. It was as Eddie had feared, he looked amazing. And now they were nearly chest to chest in the small room.

“Looks like you’ve got it.” Eddie told him, moving back as much as he could.

Richie held up the small bow tie. It was decorated with small radio microphones, Richie had found it online and fallen in love. “Seems amnesia cruelly robbed me of my tie tying knowledge.” He said with a shrug, trying to act like he wasn’t bothered by it. Eddie knew though, his casual gestures portrayed so much more. 

“That wasn’t amnesia,” Eddie replied, trying to make it into a joke. “You never bothered to learn. You’ve always had me do it.” It was the truth, Richie always said that he didn’t need to learn, as long as he had Eddie. Eddie took the tie, forcing himself to step in and put it around Richie’s neck. 

“Ah, I’m a genius then.” Richie said, bending down slightly so Eddie could work. “Getting a cute guy to tie it for me.”

Eddie’s heart was pounding, they were so damn close and Eddie remembered the other times they’d been like this. Senior prom, when neither had dates and Eddie had tied a bright pink bow tie for Richie, Bill’s wedding, which they’d also gone to together as ‘friends’ and spent the night in each other’s arms. 

“Did we dance together?” Richie asked suddenly. 

“When?” Eddie was forcing himself to focus on the tie but his fingers kept slipping, the traitors. 

“At prom.” 

Eddie’s eyes flew up, meeting Richie’s blue ones. His mouth went dry and he asked, “Do you remember prom?” God it would be something, the first real memory of them that Richie had. He resisted the urge to tell Richie everything- how Bill had spiked the punch and how Ben had gotten drunk, how Stan and Mike spent the night making eyes at each other but not making a move, how them, just the two of them, had gone to the Barrens after and had a contest to see who could count the most stars. They’d held hands under a blanket Richie had packed and everything had been perfect.

“I remember-” Richie’s face scrunched. “Dancing with Bev and Stan. I remember the punch tasting like ass. I remember-” The tension was killing Eddie. He bit his bottom lip, not looking away but Richie’s face fell. “That’s it. Sorry Eds, thought I had something.” 

Eddie shook his head, finally finishing the bow tie and stepping back. “It’s fine. You look great, go look.” 

Richie flashed him a quick smile and left the room. Eddie gave himself ten seconds to breathe, begging his heart to stop pounding, then followed.

“Check out this ass Eds!” Richie said. He was standing in the three way mirror, admiring himself. “Damn I should wear a tux more.”

“You look good ‘Chee.” He said quietly, watching him spin and compliment himself. Suddenly, he needed to leave. He didn’t know why he thought he could do this. It was all too real now, Richie was in his suit, the one he was going to get married to Claire in. Eddie’s skin felt too tight. 

“Richie, I just remembered- I need to go-” Eddie said, not even bothering to think of a lie. Richie tried to stop him but Eddie was already halfway to the door, ignoring Richie’s calls after him. 

He didn’t remember driving home. All he could focus on was getting to his couch and trying to breathe. God, this was stupid. He was stupid. Did he think he’d tie Richie’s tie and suddenly he’d remember? That wasn’t how it worked, not for Eddie at least. He was an idiot to hope for anything different. He cradled his head in his hands on the couch, staring at the carpet and not the walls of his apartment, where everything reminded him of Richie.

Eddie had finally gotten his breathing under control when there was a knock on his door. Standing, he walked over and looked through the peephole. Richie. Of course it was Richie. 

“I’m fine.” Eddie told him, leaning his forehead against his door. “My stomach is upset.” 

“Let me make you some soup or something.” Richie offered. 

“I’m fine.” He repeated. 

“You clearly aren't.” Eddie didn’t reply, trying to think of something to say to make him leave. “Eds, something is wrong, let me in.” 

Hating himself, Eddie opened the door and Richie slipped in quickly, like he was worried that Eddie would slam the door. “You really pulled a disappearing act back there.”

Eddie shrugged, slinking to his kitchen to try and get some space from Richie. He always stood so damn close. 

Richie followed, hopping up on Eddie’s counter while he poured himself some wine. “Seems like a weird thing for an upset stomach.” Richie commented.

“It helps.” Eddie said, leaning against the opposite counter. He was as far away from Richie as he could be but it was still too close. It was like they were magnets, Richie’s very presence pulling Eddie to him. 

Richie nodded, looking around the kitchen. “It’s been a while since I’ve been over.” His eyes landed on the food bowl. “Where’s ol’ Donut?”

Despite himself Eddie smiled. Richie had renamed his cat when he first got it, saying she was round like a donut.  “Probably sleeping on my bed.”

“Good choice.” 

They were silent, Richie was clearly waiting for him to speak but Eddie didn’t have anything that he could say. 

“Any changes since last time?” Richie finally asked, craning his neck to look at the living room.

_ Oh, since you came over and we made out and confessed our feelings? Well I got new soap. _

“Not really.”

Richie hopped off. “Show me around anyway, maybe it’ll jog my memory.” He stretched out a hand, clearly expecting Eddie to take it. 

And Eddie, the fool he was, did. “There’s not much to see.” He mumbled, letting Richie lead him into the living room.

“There’s lots to see!” Richie exclaimed. “I forgot about your couch, it's so much better than ours for movie nights. Ours is so stiff but yours, you can sink into it. And your artwork, Eds I love this.” He pointed to a painting of Cupcake dressed in Victorian fashion- a poofy high collar and crown on her head. Eddie didn’t remind Richie that he had been the one to get it for him, saying that a lady like Cupcake deserved the best. 

They left the living room and went down the hall where Eddie had hung pictures of the losers. The oldest was him and Bill, standing proudly next to a fish they’d caught, they couldn’t be more than 5. The most recent was him and Richie at a beach last summer, Eddie was on Richie’s shoulders, laughing and clinging to him for dear life. 

Richie paused at that one, his fingers lingering on their smiles. “We’re close huh Eds?”

The pit in his stomach pulsed. “Yea Richie, we are.” 

Richie took a few more steps, crossing into Eddie’s bedroom where Cupcake was lounging. Richie threw himself on the bed, cooing at the cat who just looked at him with disdain. “Look at this dutchess.” Richie said, scratching under her chin. “I’ve missed you.”

Eddie didn’t know if Richie remembering Cupcake but not him made him happy or sad. He’d always loved their interactions, Richie’s excitement and her ambivalence. 

“Sit with me Eds.” Richie asked, patting next to him on the bed. 

Against his better judgment he did, careful not to touch the other man. 

“It’s weird, being here. It’s like there are pieces of me all around your apartment and I can almost remember things.” He was still petting Cupcake but Eddie could tell he’d grown serious. “I mean, not in here. I’m sure I don’t have any memories in your bedroom.” Eddie forced a laugh. “But your apartment Eds, it feels like home. I can’t really explain it. Even though I don’t remember any of the things I remember how it feels to be here, happy and comforting.” Richie flipped so he was facing Eddie. “That probably doesn’t make any sense.”

Eddie swallowed the lump in his throat. “It makes sense ‘Chee.” 

Richie smiled. “I love when you call me that. Our own special thing, Chee and Eds.” 

He nodded, unable to reply. Richie’s eyes scanned his. “I’m sorry I don’t remember more Eds. I wish I did.”

Tears sprung to Eddie’s eyes and he tried to blink them away. Richie didn’t like to talk about what he’d forgotten; he rarely brought it up, instead using his trademark humor and deflection to deal with it. Eddie knew it bothered him though. He hoped that Richie was talking to Claire about it but he wasn't sure that was the case. 

“It’s not your fault. Don’t apologize.”

Richie shrugged. “I know but it feels like it is. It has to suck for you, I know I remember more of everyone else but-” He balled his hand into a fist, resting it on his hip. “But I know you were - are- special to me. I know it.”

Slowly Eddie reached out for Richie’s hand, covering the tight fist with his own. It felt good to touch Richie again and the man relaxed a little under his touch. “You’re special to me too.” He said quietly. It was the closest he’d come to admitting anything to Richie about what had happened. 

“Eds,” Richie moved his hand from under Eddie’s and wiped the tears off his cheek, his hand staying cupped on him. His hand was warm against Eddie’s skin and he felt himself leaning towards Richie again, his body begging to be closer to Richie. 

He did the smart thing. He hopped up, going back to into the hallway, needing space. He couldn’t explain that Richie couldn’t do that, couldn’t touch him or look at him like that, not without explaining everything. Leaning against the wall he took a few deep breaths, knowing that Richie was going to follow him. 

“What was that?” Richie asked, emerging from his room and walking to Eddie. Again, like damn clockwork, he stopped too close, caging Eddie between him and the wall. 

“My stomach.” 

Richie shook his head, “I don't think that’s true. Something is wrong. You’ve got to tell me. We’re best friends.” 

He swallowed, biting back a bitter laugh. Best friends where one was hopelessly in love with the other who didn’t even remember him. 

“It’s nothing.” 

Richie stepped closer, his kind eyes fixed on Eddie. “It’s obviously something.” He took Eddie’s hand, squeezing it. “You can tell me. You can tell me anything.” 

It reminded Eddie too much of that night a few months ago, the conversation was too similar, Richie’s concern too close to what it had been. Eddie felt the same- that mix of afraid and hopeful, feeling like things were going to change. In that moment he was sure that there was no way that Richie didn’t remember, the universe wasn’t that cruel. 

Richie was in front of him, his head ducked slightly as he raised a hand to run it along Eddie’s forearm. “Eds, come on. You can tell me. I love you.”

Hearing that was all it took. Eddie leaned in, closing the small gap between them and pressing his lips to Richie’s. 

Except, unlike last time, he didn’t kiss Eddie back. Instead he immediately pulled away, stepping backwards and looking shocked. “Eds, what- I’m engaged, remember? You can’t- I didn’t-” 

It was like he’d been punched in the gut. Richie’s shocked expression, the way he kept rambling about Claire. This was nothing like before. Nothing was. 

Through trembling lips he nodded. “I know, I’m sorry I- forgot.” He couldn’t look Richie in the eyes so he stared at his feet in mismatched socks. 

Richie was still talking. “Eds, I’m with Claire. If we had something before-”

“Just leave.” The tears were coming again and Eddie didn’t want to break down in front of Richie. He was already embarrassed enough.

“Eddie-”

“Go!” Eddie yelled, looking up at him. Now Richie looked hurt and Eddie felt worse. “Please. Leave me alone.” 

With a nod Richie turned, quickly putting on his shoes and leaving. Once he did Eddie locked the door, sliding down the frame and falling to the ground. He pulled his knees to his chest and cried into them, not bothering to try and hold back. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Will you tell me about our last kiss?” Richie asked quietly, reaching out for Eddie but stopping himself before they touched.

“Don’t make me go Stan,” Eddie begged for the fifth time, watching as his friend packed a bag for him. “I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m just going to stay here and binge The Office until I die.”

Stan looked at him, fixing him with a glare. “I get to make the suicide jokes Eddie. And you have to come, you’re the best man.”

Eddie groaned and fell onto his bed. He threw an arm over his head, trying to block out everything and felt the mattress sink as Stan sat next to him. They were supposed to be leaving for Richie’s bachelor party. Everyone had pitched in and rented a cabin a few hours away for the weekend. Eddie had been adamant that he wasn’t going to go. Every time he’d seen Richie since the kiss, things had been strained. He felt Richie’s eyes on him and had to watch as he drew back from hugging or touching Eddie. He hadn’t even made any off color jokes. It was bad.

“I can’t stay in a cabin with him all weekend Stan.”

He felt Stan pick up his arm and move it. He opened his eyes and Stan was staring at him, unsympathetic. “It’s good for you. He’s getting married Eddie, you need to accept that. Your other option is to lose him. For good.”

Eddie glared at his friend. “Can you stop being right all the time?”

Stan smirked, shaking his head. “No.” He paused, his eyes softening. “But we’ll all be there, for you just as much as him. I promise.” He stood, offering Eddie a hand, which he gratefully took.

“Did you pack my blue sweatshirt?” He asked, taking his bag from Stan. 

“What do you take me for? Bev? I know how to pack for my friends.” Stan said, bumping Eddie’s shoulder. 

Taking a deep breath, Eddie followed him to the car, steeling himself for the weekend. 

It started out fine, luckily Richie didn’t want to be around Eddie either. They ended up in different cars- Eddie insisted on driving for several reasons. First, he didn’t trust other people’s driving or their cars. Second, he knew that it lessened the likelihood of being in the same car with Richie. The other man teased Eddie that he drove too slow and that he had terrible taste in music. 

His plan worked, he ended up with Stan and Mike in the backseat and Bill next to him. Bill was texting with Audra for most of the drive and Stan and Mike were cuddling in the back, leaving him to his own thoughts.

“Richie wants to stop for snacks.” Bill read, looking at Eddie. 

“We have two coolers of snacks.” He replied.

“He wants road snacks.” Bill said with a shrug. Reluctantly Eddie pulled into the next gas station, watching everyone run inside. There were fifteen people in all, Richie had invited some of his other friends from work and stand up so Eddie assumed that he’d be busy with them all weekend. With any luck they wouldn’t even have to talk.

“Hey Eds.” Eddie’s head snapped up from his phone to see Richie walking towards him. Eddie froze. Even though it was a stupid idea he considered running. It was childish as hell but being immature sounded better than talking to Richie.

“I wanted to say, um,” Richie stopped a few feet away, further than he normally would. “Thanks for coming. I know this is, weird.”

“Yea.” 

This was the most stilted things had ever been between them and Eddie hated it. He wished that Richie could just forget about the kiss- even though, ironically, that was their issue in the first place. Both of them spoke again at the same time.  
“Listen ‘Chee-”

“Thanks for-”

Eddie swallowed, nodding to Richie. “You first.” 

“I was gonna say thanks for driving too. Stan mentioned you were pretty eager.” Richie gave him a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Yea, yea of course.”

“What did you want to say?”

Eddie had been about to apologize for the kiss, to tell Richie he was an idiot and maybe to ask if they could act like it didn’t happen. But now he felt like he couldn’t say that so instead he just asked a vague question about the cabin. If Richie knew he changed his mind he didn’t let on. Before long everyone else was back outside and Eddie could escape back to his car. 

Once they were at the cabin Eddie redoubled his efforts to avoid Richie. He made sure to sit far away from him at dinner that night and opted to stay inside when Richie went out for a bonfire. Luckily the other people provided a barrier and Richie didn’t seem to notice that Eddie was never closer than he had to be. 

The group spent Saturday canoeing and kayaking. It was easier to stay away from Richie because he was hell bent on trying to knock over everyone else’s kayaks, whacking them with a paddle. He knew that Eddie would hate it and didn’t even try to get near him, instead aiming for Ben and Bill. Eddie watched all of them laugh as Bill went under- and then laugh harder when he pulled Richie in with him. Eddie smiled softly, watching all his friends interact. He felt like an outsider. He couldn’t get close without making things weird for Richie and that was the last thing he wanted so he just watched from behind. It wasn’t long until everyone was in the water, Stan complaining about his hair getting wet. Mike laughed and pressed a loving kiss to his forehead, promising to get him a towel as soon as they got back while Ben and Bev started splashing and dunking Richie.  They were filled with so much happiness that Eddie wasn’t sure he could take it. It evoked a longing in him, a wish for when things had been easier and he could pretend to be just friends with Richie. 

He knew he was avoiding his friends but he couldn’t help it. His stomach had been twisted into knots since yesterday and nothing seemed to help. He saw everyone glancing at him- especially Richie- but he opted to ignore it. He just needed to get through the weekend. He knew his friends understood, even if they didn’t agree. 

Later that night they were playing drinking games, Eddie watched as Stan took two shots in a row and how he leaned against Mike, giggling, after. He watched Richie take a long pull from a mixed drink, trying not to stare at how his Adam’s apple bobbed. Eddie wasn’t drinking, it was too dangerous, but he was trying to enjoy it as much as possible. 

“Okay Eddie, you need to feed Richie a jello shot!” One of Richie’s coworkers called out. Eddie froze, shaking his head, but everyone (sans the losers) was cheering him on. He glanced at Richie who gave him a small ‘it’ll be easier if you do it’ shrug. So, against his better judgement, Eddie rose, walking to Richie and holding up the shot. His hand was trembling so much that Richie grabbed it, their eyes meeting as Eddie tried to ignore the simple touch.

“It’s okay Eds,” Richie whispered, his tongue darting out to loosen the shot. Eddie lifted the shot to Richie’s mouth, tipping it in as Richie swallowed. He was sure he was beet red and all he wanted to do was disappear. 

Richie finished the shot, holding onto Eddie’s hand for a second longer than he needed to, and then someone crowed for another person to drink. Only then did Richie release him, distracted by the sound. Eddie took the opportunity to dart outside, sucking in the cool air as fast as he could. He felt like he was on fire, every nerve was alight and he hated it, hated that Richie had this effect on him, that he couldn’t shake this. He leaned against a deck chair, taking deep breaths. 

“Are you okay?” He heard behind him. Turning, Eddie saw Mike walking to him. 

He opened his mouth to lie then shook his head. “Not really. I haven’t been okay for a while.”

Mike nodded. “I know. I’m glad you admitted it.” He stood near Eddie, their arms touching. “I’m sure this has to be hell for you.”

“Yup.” Eddie agreed. There wasn’t much else to say- and Eddie didn’t want to talk. One of the best thing about Mike was that just his presence was comforting. Eddie soaked it in, feeling himself calm down. They were quiet for a bit then Eddie said, “You and Stan seem really happy, we’ll be doing this for you two soon.”

The way Mike smiled made Eddie think it was even sooner than he expected. “We are, we’re really happy.” Mike glanced at him. “You know Eddie, you can be happy too. You deserve it.”

“Richie’s getting married remember?” Eddie said, as if any of them could forget.

Mike shook his head. “I don’t mean with Richie. I mean with someone else- or on your own. He is getting married Eddie, next week.” His friend paused. “As much as it sucks, it might be time to move on.” He looked at Eddie, probably worried that the smaller boy was going to scream at him but he didn’t. The will to fight was gone. Eddie couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t fight for a relationship that only he remembered, he couldn’t keep acting like Richie was going to come back or that he was fine with this new situation. He’d spent too long wallowing and it hadn’t fixed anything.

So he nodded. “I think you’re right Mike.” He stared at the dark lake, illuminated only by the moonlight. “I’m just not sure how.” Richie had been his endgame for so long that he didn’t know what came next. 

He felt an arm around his shoulders. “You’ll figure it out, you’re a smart guy Eddie. Plus we’re all here for you.” 

Eddie chuckled, leaning against his friend. Then Ben popped his head out, “Hey Mike, Stan is vomiting in the bathroom. Thought you’d want to know.”

Mike grimaced, “He really hates vomiting.” He glanced at Eddie, who waved him on.

“Go be with your drunk man, I’ll be fine.” Mike flashed him a smile and disappeared inside, leaving Eddie alone again. He couldn’t bring himself to go back in so he walked around the small yard, listening to the owls and trying to count the stars. He thought about what it meant to have Richie be married, to admit that he wasn’t Eddie’s and never would be. It hurt like hell but it was also a release. It didn’t make Eddie love Richie less but it gave him permission to move on. 

Before long he heard a twig snap behind him. “How’s Stan?” He asked, assuming Mike was back.

“Tucked into bed, sleeping like an angel.” The voice called. Eddie stiffened and turned, seeing Richie standing there.

“Shouldn’t you be inside?” Eddie asked. Even this made his heart pound. They were standing far apart but just seeing him there made Eddie feel weak in the knees. He hated it.

“Nah everyone is so drunk they won’t even notice I left.” Richie told him, running a hand through his hair. He seemed surprisingly steady given how much Eddie knew he had drank that night. Then Richie reached out a hand towards him, “Sit with me Eds.” He said, pointing his head towards the hammock.

An hour ago, Eddie would have eagerly agreed. He would have snuggled up next to Richie and let himself pretend. But now, he shook his head. Richie looked hurt and Eddie had to stop himself from reaching for him.

“I can’t do this anymore Richie.” He said, aware of how strained his voice was. “I can’t keep pretending.”

Even though Richie didn’t remember he understood. He nodded to Eddie. “Eds I- I know we’re different. I know that there’s more between us. I feel safe with you. I feel invincible.” 

The silence that followed stretched on for what felt like days. Eddie was trying not to cry but he was failing. Richie looked small and vulnerable and Eddie wanted to run to him, to hold him. 

“Will you tell me about our first kiss?” Richie asked quietly. “Please? I’ve been trying so hard to remember it.”

Eddie didn’t reply for a minute, his brain warring with itself, part of it screaming that he should run and the rest saying that maybe this would do it, this would make him remember.  Richie was waiting, looking like he wanted to step in and comfort Eddie but he didn’t.

“We were 15.” Eddie finally said. “I had gotten dumped right before homecoming so we decided to go together, as friends.” He had to close his eyes. He could remember it so well, the bright streamers, the terrible music. Richie was wearing his patented Hawaiian shirt and rock t-shirt and Eddie had been more dressed up, wearing his first tie that Richie kept adjusting throughout the night. “We were dancing, you kept grabbing my hand and spinning me. You almost dropped me every time.” They had been laughing, collapsing against each other in fits of giggles. All the other losers had left them alone, focused on their own dates and it was just them, just Eddie and Richie, like it was always supposed to be. 

“Then one time you did drop me. I hit the ground hard but you pulled me back up so quickly I barely even noticed. You were cradling me in your arms, it was total overkill.” Eddie said, his voice now wet with tears. “You took me into the hall, insisting you needed to make sure my ass was okay.” Richie laughed and Eddie knew he was crying too. “And once we were alone, you kissed me. Just a quick press of the lips. You said it was to make me feel better.” Eddie sighed, letting the memory surround him. “It was over quickly and we never talked about it. We went back to the dance and finished the night.”

“We kissed a lot, didn’t we?” Richie asked quietly. Eddie opened his eyes seeing that Richie had taken a step closer. Eddie nodded. “And we never talked about it?” Another nod. “Why?” Richie’s voice was strangled, confused. “Why Eds? Why didn’t we talk?”

“Because-” God, Eddie had asked himself that question a million times. Richie was his best friend, why was this the one thing they couldn’t talk about. “We were both afraid. We both thought it would ruin everything.”

“What if we were wrong?” 

Eddie shook his head, wiping his tears away. “Don’t say that. Don’t make me go down that path. Not now.” 

Richie nodded and took another step closer. Eddie could see his curls framed by the moonlight. “Will you tell me about our last kiss?” Richie asked quietly, reaching out for Eddie but stopping himself before they touched. 

Eddie swallowed. He should have known this was coming. “The night of your engagement party- of your accident. I left and you followed me.” He licked his lips. “You’re always following me Richie.” Richie’s eyes were on Eddie, soaking in every word. “You came to my apartment and we kissed, finally. It was different than our other ones ‘Chee, it was real. I knew things were finally going to change. And I-” Eddie had to stop as a sob raked his throat. “I sent you to talk to Claire. I’m the reason you got in the accident Richie.” Eddie felt cold, admitting it. The air left his lungs. “You can hate me. I hate me.” 

Suddenly Richie’s arms were around him, holding Eddie close and letting him cry on Richie’s shoulder. Eddie sobbed for several minutes. If it wasn’t for Richie’s tight hold he would have collapsed. Richie let him cry, rubbing his back. 

“Eds, it's not your fault. It’s not. I was driving too fast. I was trying to get back to you as quick as I could but it’s not your fault.” Richie told him. Over and over. He repeated it until Eddie stopped crying and pulled back, looking his friend in the eye. Richie cupped his cheek, his thumb wiping away Eddie’s tears. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Richie said it with such conviction that Eddie could only nod. He looked up at Richie. The taller man was still holding him, his other arm wrapped around his waist. Eddie could hear both of their hearts, beating loudly in their chests.

“Eds,” Richie wetted his lips. “I’m sorry I don’t remember. I’m sorry I don’t remember any of that. I’m sorry I don’t remember you. I want to, I wish I did.”

“I know.” 

Richie bent down and Eddie knew that he was going to kiss him. Using all his strength Eddie stepped back, shaking his head. “Don’t ‘Chee. Don’t kiss me until you remember me. I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore. It’s killing me.” 

Richie opened his mouth then closed it, his arms dropping to his sides. “I’m sorry Eds. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Me too ‘Chee.” 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He coughed, turning back to look at the rain and how it collected on the roof of a nearby building. “You stay. I should go back in anyway. It’s nearly Ben’s shift, he’ll be looking for me.” He glanced down, seeing the unlit cigarette in Richie’s hand. “You quit years ago.” He said it before he could tell himself not to.
> 
> Richie looked at it too, sucking his teeth. “Yea, nervous habit I guess.”
> 
> “You’re marrying the love of your life, what do you have to be nervous about?” Eddie knew his voice was flat but he couldn’t make himself sound happy. He shouldn’t even be asking.

“Can we rehearse the walk just once more? I don’t want to go too fast! And I’m worried that we’re too close together.” Claire explained, turning to all of them. Everyone was too polite to say no so they lined up, Eddie next to Claire’s childhood best friend, a bubbly girl named Mary. She was nice enough, making polite conversation with him but Eddie’s heart wasn’t in it. He didn’t know how he was going to get through the actual event tomorrow. Even this, the rehearsal dinner was almost too much. Watching Richie and Claire exchange fake rings and then kiss- it felt like someone was carving his heart out with a dull knife. Without the other losers there was no way Eddie could have made it through. He suspected that they were taking shifts with him, one of them checking in with him every fifteen minutes or so. Eddie wanted to be annoyed that he was being babied but he needed the support too much. 

They began walking again, going through the motions of the actual event. Luckily, Eddie was standing next to Richie so it was harder to stare at him. Instead Eddie tried to focus on the bridesmaids, looking anywhere but at the main event. 

He hated being this close to Richie. He could smell his cologne and noticed how he kept shifting his weight, like he wanted this to be over already. Eddie didn’t blame him there; it was their fourth run through and everyone was getting tired. Richie was on surprisingly good behavior though, he hadn’t made any off color jokes or done any impressions. He seemed subdued, like his mind was somewhere else. 

Not that Eddie could ask him about it. Eddie had lost that privilege. 

Both of them had been pretending to be okay. Eddie knew it, Richie knew it, the losers knew it but everyone was pretending it was fine. Eddie laughed at Richie’s dumb jokes and Richie rolled his eyes at Eddie’s complaints. They went through the motions. 

It was the most he could do. 

Eddie had been serious about getting over him. He’d signed up for a dating app and had even started to text with a guy he matched with. But it was impossible to get over someone he’d loved for years in only a week, no matter how hard he tried. Especially when Richie was right there, close enough for Eddie to touch. It would be so easy to reach out and grab him, to take Richie’s hand or swipe his hair aside. 

Forcing those thoughts away he looked outside, watching as the rain fell. It had been downpouring all day, puddles appearing everywhere. At least the weather was as miserable as him.

“Claire, let’s go eat, please?” Richie finally asked when they had gone through everything again. “We’re ready, we’re all ready.” Eddie thought he heard an edge in Richie’s voice, his tone had a bite. Richie had stopped calling her cute names and hadn’t touched her more than he had to, drawing back when she reached for him. 

Eddie knew he shouldn’t notice those details but he couldn’t help it. His eyes and ears were drawn to Richie. Even now, as he watched them walk away, he saw that Richie stayed back, talking to Bill while Claire went to her friends. He thought that Richie seemed sad, resigned. He wished he could ask if Richie was okay, what he was thinking. 

“You’re riding with us right?” Stan asked, sliding up to him and interrupting his latest train of dangerous thoughts. 

“Oh is it your shift again already?” Eddie asked, tearing his eyes from Richie and giving Stan a forced smile. 

His friend chuckled. “I have no idea what you mean. Come on Eddie, I’ll buy you a stiff drink.”

“Richie and Claire are paying for the drinks.” 

“A stiff, expensive drink then.” Stan said and Eddie felt the corners of his lips quirk up. He followed Stan to his car, where Mike and Bev were waiting. 

Bev immediately put an arm around him, kissing his cheek. “You’re doing great. I’d be drunk out of my mind.” 

“I thought about it but there’s too much potential for drunk confessions.”

Bev frowned and hugged him again before they piled into the car. Eddie let their conversation wash over him, grateful that they didn’t try to include him. Eddie had been looking forward to this part the least. He didn’t want to watch the slideshow of the happy couple or listen to the speech from Went. He wanted this to be over, he wanted to go home and wallow in peace. At least after tomorrow he could start to repair himself, knowing that then Richie would truly be someone else’s. 

At least the restaurant was casual, the place Richie and Claire had had their first date. Nearly immediately Eddie slipped outside to the small patio, standing under the small awning and trying to catch his breath. He knew that the others noticed but they let him leave, probably understanding that he needed a minute. 

Unfortunately he wasn’t alone for long. 

“Hey- shit. Hey Eds.” Richie said, closing the door behind him. Eddie turned to him, seeing how stricken Richie looked. Eddie was sure he didn’t look much better. “I can leave.” 

Eddie shook his head, looking him over. Richie was in the outfit he dubbed ‘fancy comfortable’. Eddie had helped him pick it out, dark wash jeans and a purple shirt that brought out his eyes. Claire had tried to tame his curls, they were slick and less wild than normal. He looked amazing.

Eddie wasn’t supposed to look. 

He coughed, turning back to look at the rain and how it collected on the roof of a nearby building. “You stay. I should go back in anyway. It’s nearly Ben’s shift, he’ll be looking for me.” He glanced down, seeing the unlit cigarette in Richie’s hand. “You quit years ago.” He said it before he could tell himself not to. 

Richie looked at it too, sucking his teeth. “Yea, nervous habit I guess.”

“You’re marrying the love of your life, what do you have to be nervous about?” Eddie knew his voice was flat but he couldn’t make himself sound happy. He shouldn’t even be asking. 

Richie mumbled something and Eddie took a step forward. “What?” He asked softly, forgetting for a second that things were strange and awful between them and only seeing his best friend in pain. 

“I said ‘what if I’m not’?” Richie asked, looking directly at him. For a second he looked so desperate that Eddie thought his heart was going to break. 

“Richie-” He breathed, torn between stepping in and running away. He wanted to pull Richie to him, to hold him but he knew he shouldn’t. 

“Richie! It’s time for dinner!” Eddie heard Maggie yell from inside. The two leapt apart like the world had cracked open, leaving them on opposite sides. Richie gave Eddie one more long look then disappeared inside. Eddie knew that he needed to follow, he needed to go inside and laugh at Went’s bad jokes and cheer every time the happy couple kissed. 

But his feet wouldn’t move. 

He took a few deep, halting breaths, trying to convince himself, and realized that he couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go back inside. He couldn’t watch Richie kiss Claire or listen to sweet stories about them. He couldn’t. 

Eddie closed his eyes, pressing his palms to his eyelids so he wouldn't cry. “Fuck.” He grabbed his phone, texting Stan before calling an uber. 

The whole way home he felt like he’d failed. He thought about going back a dozen times but every time he started to tell the driver to turn around the words turned to ash in his mouth. Stan had replied to his text, saying that he’d cover for him. He knew that Went and Maggie would ask where he went. And that Richie-

Well. Eddie needed to stop worrying about what Richie thought. 

When he got to his apartment Cupcake greeted him, demanding dinner. “Yea, yea, hold on. I’ll get us both something.” He opened a can of food for Cupcake and poured himself a generous glass of scotch. Then he fell to his couch, loosening his tie as he drank half the glass. 

“It’s over.” He forced himself to say it out loud so it could be real. “He’s marrying Claire and it’s over.” 

What  _ it  _ was or could have been Eddie didn’t let himself think about. Instead he finished his drink. He knew he couldn’t be hungover because tomorrow was...

Tomorrow was tomorrow. And he’d worry about it then. He poured another glass.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed. He put on a movie, not really watching, and tried to let himself go. He cried some, because it was what he needed but then he stopped, because it wasn’t helping. The only thing that would help was time. 

Time and pizza. He ordered one, knowing he needed something to soak up the liquor. 

Soon his doorbell rang and he buzzed them in, already thinking about the gooey cheese.

“I only have a couple dollars for a-” Eddie stopped as he opened the door. 

“That’s less than my going rate but I’ll take it.” Richie joked, looking uncomfortable. And wet. He was drenched. His hair was dripping onto his shirt and that was dripping onto Eddie’s door mat. Eddie wanted to make a joke but nothing about this was funny. 

“Come in. I’ll get you a towel.” Anything to give himself a minute to recover. When he came back Richie was standing in the entryway still dripping. He held the towel out as far from himself as he could, not wanting to risk touching him. As Richie toweled off they both watched each other, neither speaking.

Eddie broke first. “I know you aren’t supposed to see Claire before the wedding but that doesn’t mean you come here.” It was a bad attempt at humor and Richie didn’t laugh. 

“There’s not going to be a wedding.” Richie said, wringing the towel in his hands and looking at his shoes. 

Eddie’s heart stopped then resumed beating at six times it’s normal rate. 

“Why?” He forced out. It wasn’t a big enough question but it was a start. 

Richie looked at him. “Because of you.” Richie took a step forward but Eddie stepped back, shaking his head.

Eddie’s stared at him in disbelief, already reaching for Richie. “You remember.” The words came out thick, he was holding back tears as he said them. 

“No.” Eddie’s face fell but Richie kept talking, saying the next part faster like he was worried that Eddie may kick him out. “And I may never remember but I  _ know  _ you. I know that you have a hell of a mean streak and that you’re witty and fucking adorable. I know that your eyes crinkle when you think something is really funny. I know that every time I walk into a room I look for you, I listen for your voice. I know that when I see you it’s nearly impossible not to reach for you, to hold you.  I know that-” Richie paused, biting his bottom lip. “I know that I love you, Eds, I don’t know how long I’ve loved you but I know that right now, in this instant, I can’t imagine being with anyone else.”

“What about Claire?” He asked, trying to get the words to sink in. He knew that Richie was telling the truth, his face was etched with honesty and hope but Eddie wasn’t ready to respond. Not yet. 

“She’s-” Richie exhaled, running a hand through his hair. “She’s not thrilled. At all. I think I’m on the hook for the whole bill for tomorrow but she understood. She wasn’t surprised. Pissed, but not surprised.” 

“Oh.” Eddie didn’t know what else to say. “That sucks.” 

“Yea, she said she’d be gone from the apartment when I got back. I can’t blame her.”

Eddie nodded, his eyes falling to Richie’s shoes. They were still wet, he could hear them squish when Richie shifted his weight. 

After a minute, Richie took his hands, squeezing them in his clammy ones. “Sorta waiting for you to answer me Eds. That big confession of mine?” 

Eddie thought about it. About Richie. About them and what they had and what they’d lost. 

He shook his head, stepping back. 

“Richie I can’t.” His voice caught and he took a shaky breath before continuing. “I can’t be the only one who remembers us. You can’t ask me to do that. Please don’t ask me to do that.” Everything that Richie had forgotten was why Eddie had fallen in love with him. Those awkward kisses and first dances, all the hugs they shared and the times they had cried. Without that it was a shell and Eddie was done with feeling empty. 

Richie nodded slowly. Eddie could see tears welling up in his eyes. “Okay. That’s okay. I get it.” He was nodding but it was to himself, not to Eddie. “I’ll go. I’ve got a whole cake to eat after all.” 

Eddie didn’t reply, watching Richie walk out the door, shutting it behind him. Then he watched the door, unable to move. He didn’t feel better, he felt ill, like he wanted to vomit and collapse at the same time. The doorbell rang and he jumped, sure it was Richie coming back but it was only the pizza man. The teen watched him with confused eyes as Eddie counted out his cash. He knew that he seemed stunned. 

“What am I doing?” He asked himself but the pizza delivery boy stared at him, furrowing his brows.

“Paying me?”

“Yea- no. Not that. Fuck!” Eddie pushed the money into his hands then grabbed his coat, praying that Richie hadn’t left. 

He ran down the stairs, nearly tumbling down the last flight, and into the parking lot. It was still pouring but he spotted Richie immediately. He was walking painfully slowly, in no rush to get to his car.

“Richie!” Eddie screamed as loud as he could and the other man stopped, turning to look at him.

Eddie was flying to him, launching himself at Richie and kissing him as hard as he could, his arms flinging around Richie’s neck and pulling him as close as he could. Richie kissed him back, grabbing Eddie’s hips and loosely holding him, like he was afraid that Eddie was going to change his mind again. They kissed until Richie pulled back, looking down at him. 

“Not that I don’t like this but I’m getting really mixed signals.”

Eddie stared up at him, taking Richie’s face and cradling it in his hands. He spoke slowly, hoping that Richie believed him. “I was wrong before. Richie, I was so fucking wrong. I want this,  _ you _ , in whatever state you’re in. I don’t care if you ever remember. I’ll remember for both of us. I’ll tell you everything and if that doesn’t work, well, we’ll make new memories.” He watched Richie’s eyes flicker with hope and then continued. “I love you too Richie. I know how long I’ve been in love with you and it’s been decades and I can’t give that up now. I want you, in whatever state you’re in, as long as you still want me too.” 

“Thank fuck.” Richie said, bending down to press his forehead to Eddie’s. Both of them were tearing up but, for the first time, they were happy tears.  “Because I really didn’t know how I was going to face you again.” 

At that Eddie laughed. It felt like the first time he’d laughed since Richie’s accident. It poured out of him, bubbling into giggles and squeaks. Richie watched him, eyes bright, before bending down to kiss him again, the two easily melting into each other. Eddie knew he had never felt so safe or happy. 

Then he leapt back and exclaimed, “Oh shit!”

Richie pointed at him, lips pursed. “You only get one big mind change a night Eds. You used it already.” 

“No!” Eddie stepped back, grabbing Richie’s hand. “I left the pizza guy in my apartment! What if he’s stealing everything?!”

Richie threw his head back and laughed, bending down and cupping his cheek. “Eddie Kaspbrak I love you.” He kissed him again and Eddie could feel his smile. “Let's go back inside before the pizza man steals Cupcake.” He threaded their fingers together, looking at Eddie with wonder and happiness. “Pizza and then a hot shower, what do you say Eds?”

“I’d say that that sounds fucking perfect.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yayyyy she's finished  
> In an alt ending Richie would have gotten in his car and gotten in another car crash and died. How's that for symmetry? But I didn't do it! See it was a happy ending!   
> thanks for all the kinda comments and kudos!! My next new fic is farrrr less angsty

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on tumblr- [tinyarmedtrex](https://tinyarmedtrex.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Title is from a Tegan & Sara song


End file.
